Ever feel like you’re just not measuring up in a certain area of your life?
I still remember a particular time a few years ago when I was feeling super frustrated and overwhelmed as a mom. As usual, I was beating myself up for all the things I wasn't doing that I believed I was "supposed” to do. I felt I was failing on so many levels - and I was therefore a failure as a mom.
Some wiser part of me must have sensed that my expectations were quite high because I decided to sit down in that moment and write out my definition of the Ideal (aka "Good") Mother.
Here are a few parts of my definition:
Highly organized - ie. has systems for everything, including a meal plan and prepping schedule, beautiful chore charts that kids love to use, family calendars that keep track of all dates and moving parts
Grows own food and makes most things from scratch - eg. meals, baked goods, clothes, gifts, decorations, etc.
Skilled at coming up with exciting educational activities for kids on a moment's notice
Ensures everyone is well fed, well rested, playing quietly and feeling happy - and all household chores are complete - before taking any time for herself.
Calm, cool and collected. Doesn't lose patience or yell.
Wowza. I was clearly describing some sort of Martha Stewart-Saint-Superwoman!
Writing my definition of the ideal mom was eye-opening. I’d been so deeply entrenched in all these expectations, believing they were just The Way It Needs To Be, that when I got them all down on paper, I realized how impossible they were to achieve. Of course I was setting myself up for failure!
I could also see, as clear as day, "where" I'd picked up some of those beliefs, and I could ask myself if they were really “me”.
And, I could give myself permission to let go of what wasn't working for me.
In short, doing this exercise was enlightening and downright liberating!
Want to try it?
Bring to mind a specific area of your life where you feel like you're not measuring up, or you feel burdened by “shoulds”. This could be your career, finances, parenting, health, etc.
Write an honest definition of your Ideal version of that. Some ways to frame it might be:
An ideal________ would________
To be considered truly successful in________, someone would need to__________
After capturing everything you can think of, especially all the things that cause stress for you or feel like "shoulds", take a good look at your definition and ask yourself:
Where did each part of the definition come from? (For example, did you learn it from your parents’ examples? From our culture? Other key people in your life?)
What parts are in alignment with your particular strengths, values, lifestyle and season of life?
What parts "spark joy" when you consider living them?
What parts feel heavy, stressful and "like work"?
Give yourself permission to let go of everything that doesn't feel good. And give yourself permission to do everything that remains imperfectly and with your whole heart. ;-)
It’s time we stopped trying to live up to superhero standards.
