We all do it. Sometimes we do it all day long without even realizing it.
I'm talking about using the word "should."
"I should be going to the gym every day.”
"I'm so exhausted, I just want to take a nap! But I should get the laundry done.”
”I should be farther along in my career by now!”
It's so much a part of our vocabulary that we don’t often think about the impact it has on us.
Let's do an experiment right now. Bring to mind something you think you should do but have been resisting…
Now tune into your body. What do you notice about how you’re feeling?
Do you feel tired, unmotivated? Maybe you feel yourself slouch down a little? Perhaps you have the sensation of heaviness, like there’s a weight on your shoulders or pressure on your chest? Likely, you feel constricted in some way.
That’s because “should” - along with its cousins “have to” and “supposed to” - is the language of our inner Striver, who's always worried “Am I doing enough?", and our Negative Ego, who's perpetually sending us the message: “You’re Not Enough.” Together, they form a Slave-Driver energy that keeps us proving, pleasing and perfecting.
As a recovering perfectionist myself, I know all about the burden of "should.” I’ve spent way too many years burning myself out playing the martyr. Running on hamster wheels getting nowhere because I was following “rules” that weren't designed for me. Beating myself up constantly because I didn’t measure up to unreasonable standards.
The fact of the matter is, using “should” takes our power away. When we use it, we’re allowing our Slave-Driver to "drive the bus", so to speak. And we are judging ourselves, which leads to shame.
And, as a result, we can feel pulled in many directions, confused, full of doubt, stuck, overwhelmed, unmotivated, resentful and burnt out.
So what can we do to stop "shoulding" all over ourselves?
We can ban the words "should", "have to" and "supposed to" from our vocabulary.
When you catch yourself saying one of these disempowering words, pause, then replace it with "want to", "choose to", "get to", or "I will".
This simple switch in language reminds us: We are always at choice. It strips power from our Slave-Driver and returns power to the parts of ourselves that keep our joy, well-being and fulfillment top of mind and help us show up as the best version of ourselves for others.
Here's to inviting in more of that in our lives!
